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Welcome to another installment of ‘Why Did I Ever Introduce My Mom to the Internet’.

Yesterday, I created this image. I also posted it on Facebook. It generated a few comments but I would like to draw particular attention to a certain aspect of the conversation:

Oh dear God, WHY?!

You have to understand something: my mother is the sweetest, most naive woman you will ever find. I firmly believe that if she hadn’t been born, Disney would have created her and it would not surprise me in the slightest to discover that woodland creatures follow her around to help with her chores. So when she asks these kind of questions — questions with answers that I know will rob her of some of her innocence — it’s a horrifying experience for everyone involved.

Lookit that happy face! How can I explain these things to that face?!

She’s persistent when it comes to getting her questions answered. I did not want her to take her inquiry to Google because Bad Things™ happen when she goes there. Like when the Prince of Monaco got married and she used the search term ‘prince albert’ to find pictures of the wedding. Needless to say, I received a hysterical phone call rife with questions like ‘WHY WOULD A MAN DO THAT TO HIS PENIS?!’ and ‘YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?!’ So in order to avoid another Googletastrophe, we talked on the phone to clear up the meaning of ‘camel toe’.

Mom: What are camel toes?

Me: Okay, you know what a camel’s foot looks like, right? How it’s two big toes mooshed together?

Mom: Right.

Me: Okay. So. Um. When a woman wears pants that are too tight.. uh. Well, the middle seam rides up in the front. And it makes it look like a camel toe.

Mom: On the belly?

Me: No. Not the belly.

Mom: I don’t understand.

Me: Down in the crotch area.

Mom: I don’t get it.

Me: That middle seam. You know. It rides up. Between .. so, you know, it’s all clearly defined.

Mom: Huh?

Me: *sighs but this really is just the sound of part of my soul withering up and dying* The seam rides up between the lips of the vagina so you can clearly see each side.

Mom: Oh, that’s horrible! I wouldn’t want a camel toe! Why would someone do that?

Me: They don’t do it on purpose but I am very glad to hear that you are not on board with this.

I also asked her why she posted her question in ALL CAPS and she told me that it was because ‘it was a very important question‘.

So there you have it. Camel toes? Getting to the bottom of this is important business for my mom.

Excuse me while I spend the rest of the day sobbing and trying to scrub this conversation from my brain